dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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