Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
