don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
