hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
