He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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