Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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