I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
How's work?
Spinning.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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