Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
