The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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