Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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