birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
