I think my fart just growled at me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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