So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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