Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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