I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We need to get me chipped asap
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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