i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
