my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
