Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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