he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
