I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
two words...techno handjob
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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