...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You need a sexual gate keeper
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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