Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
