Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
We got so high we made milksteak
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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