mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
where am i from again
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
