I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
