Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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