I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
