Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
