if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
