Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
