I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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