Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
