His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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