i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
