So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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