I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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