If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
