I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
