Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
