I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
