i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
