Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
