I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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