I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Michael Bay diarrhea
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
