My liver just broke up with me...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
