im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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