Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
