Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
