Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
