fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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